People with Kids

"I can't stand talking to people with kids. It's all they ever talk about." 

This lament was broadcast in the smoking area at work a while back by - and I'm definitely being stereotypical here - some middle aged pony-tailed post-douche run-off*. He hadn't been working there long enough to know that expressing opinions like that in the smoking area (or general geographic region) when I'm around in generally a bad idea and will possibly result in the following side effects:

Humiliation
Wounded Ego
Public Disgrace
People Laughing At You
Bladder Weakening

He made the comment in one of those moments where you say something just as everyone else stops talking. If there were a camera crew present, it would have been a close up on him, followed by a quick pan around to a long shot of me, with everyone slowly turning their head from him to me in anticipation/apprehension of what was going to come out of my mouth. (Most people there understand I have little to no control over this)

"Really? Speaking as a person with a kid, I have to say I don't like talking to dudes who still have pony-tails when it's 95 degrees outside because anything coming out of their mouths is likely going to be idiotic. You look cool though. Really."

"Man, I'm talking about people who made certain life choices, not appearance."

"So, you didn't choose to have a pony tail? It was thrust upon you as a burden for you to bear?"

"It's not the same thing."

"A choice isn't the same thing as a choice? Deep."


"No! A stupid pony tail isn't the same thing as a kid."


"At least we can both agree that you're pony tail is stupid."


"That -"


"Before you go any further, you should know you're not going to get over on me and should quit now."


He went back inside.


The next week, no pony tail.


The point is, yes, generally with conversations parents - particularly new ones - will talk about their kids. It's pretty much all we have. Kids and work. We do not have the rich social agenda that allows us to fill conversation with intriguing topics and current events. Sorry if that's an inconvenience. The moral is even though we don't bring much to a conversation, some of us come armed.


Thank you, and good night.

*For those of you at work that may read this, no I will not name names. Even if you guess it.