Hookerween: Or, Fuck You Society!

When I was a kid, my mom made awesome costumes. I went as Superman in nursery school. I went as Kermit the Frog when I was 8, so my kid brother wouldn't be alone in his Cookie Monster costume. We went as Ewoks some time around there. She always took the time to sew together something good. 


Now, I've been accused of having borderline sociopathic tendencies, mainly due to my mouth and the things that come out of it. Be that as it may, I'm pretty sure I'm in the right when I say that the sick fucks making costumes for girls are way out of line. Maybe it's the dad in me talking, or maybe it's the voice in the back of my head that wants to watch the world burn, but I'd like to round these pedophile designers and manufacturers up and kick every single one of their asses. Before setting fire to them. Extreme? Maybe. But you do NOT dress little girls up as hookers. YOU HEARING ME OVER THERE 'TODDLERS IN TIARAS'?! 


Even as an adult, the hookerized costume selection for women did nothing for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm straight as an arrow, but anytime I see the "Naughty Nurse" or the "Sexy State Trooper" or the "Adulterous Anne Frank" costumes, all I hear is Chief Grady from Super Troopers saying "Desperation is a stinky cologne." I'm more impressed by an imagination. As a kid, Halloween is supposed to be about taking that one day to dress up as something fun or scary. It was a chance for you to be that superhero, or cartoon character, or movie star. As the years progressed, it seems to be that - for females anyway- everyone wants to be a stripper. That's all well and good if you're over 18, but an 8 year old definitely should NOT have that notion come Halloween. If your kid is coming up to you and saying "I want to be a witch for Halloween, but instead of a broom I want to ride a pole" you fucked up somewhere with your parenting and you need to put that kid in a foster home or give them to Brad and Angelina before your whole family winds up on Maury.


Parents - Let your kid be a kid. Don't push them into thinking appearance matters and that looking like an underage strumpet is going to get them any advantages in life. Jersey Shore's cast are certainly not role models. Teach them to use their imagination. Let them be silly and let them have fun. 


Ladies - This is to ACTUAL ladies. Do the same thing as the kids. Have fun with your outfit. Put some thought into it. Don't think you have to slut it up because it's the sure fire way to be the center of attention at whatever Halloween function your going to.


Whores - Quit slutting up my childhood memories.

This is just fucked up.

Fellas - If you're going to a party, and you're thinking about picking up one of the 'Hot Hogwart Students', remember there's a good chance that the creepy crawlies will last well past Halloween.


Thank you.